When tension enters the therapy room, it rarely announces itself directly. Instead, it slips in quietly—through silence, defensiveness, sarcasm, or sudden certainty. As therapists, our work isn’t just to hear what clients say, but to listen for how they’re relating to themselves, others, and the moment.
One simple framework I return to when the emotional temperature rises is the ABCs:
A – Avoidance
B – Blame
C – Curiosity
These aren’t diagnoses. They’re signals. And learning to hear them can help therapists intervene with more precision, compassion, and effectiveness.
A — Avoidance: What Isn’t Being Said
Avoidance often shows up first.
It may sound like:
- “I don’t really remember.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “I don’t want to talk about that.”
- Intellectualizing emotions or jumping quickly to logistics and facts
Avoidance isn’t resistance—it’s protection. When a client avoids, they’re often signaling that something feels unsafe, overwhelming, or too close to the core. The nervous system is doing its job.
Clinical cue:
Avoidance tells us the pace may be too fast or the stakes feel too high.
Therapeutic response:
Instead of pushing for content, we can slow the process:
- Name the avoidance gently (“I notice we move away when this comes up”)
- Normalize it (“That makes sense, given what you’ve been through”)
- Shift toward resourcing or grounding before returning to the topic
Avoidance isn’t a wall—it’s a doorway asking for more safety.
B — Blame: Where Pain Gets Externalized
When avoidance no longer holds, blame often steps in.
It may sound like:
- “They’re the problem.”
- “If my partner/boss/parent would just change…”
- “This always happens to me.”
- Rigid narratives with clear villains and victims
Blame is often easier than vulnerability. It organizes pain, gives it direction, and temporarily restores a sense of control. But it can also keep clients stuck, especially when responsibility and agency disappear from the story.
Clinical cue:
Blame often signals unprocessed hurt or unacknowledged grief.
Therapeutic response:
Rather than challenging blame head-on, we can soften the edges:
- Reflect the underlying emotion (“It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt there”)
- Separate impact from intent
- Gently explore the client’s internal experience alongside the external story
Blame isn’t wrong—it’s incomplete. Our role is to help expand the narrative, not erase it.
C — Curiosity: The Doorway to Change
Curiosity is the shift we listen for—and often help cultivate.
It may sound like:
- “I wonder why I react that way.”
- “I’ve never thought about it like that before.”
- “What if there’s another way to look at this?”
- Questions replacing conclusions
Curiosity signals nervous system regulation, increased self-awareness, and readiness for change. It doesn’t mean the pain is gone—it means the client can now stay with it without needing to escape or defend.
Clinical cue:
Curiosity tells us the client has enough safety to explore.
Therapeutic response:
This is where insight-oriented work, pattern identification, and meaning-making can deepen:
- Explore origins without overwhelming
- Link past and present
- Support experimentation with new responses
Curiosity isn’t forced—it emerges when clients feel seen, steady, and supported.
Why the ABCs Matter
The ABCs remind us that tension isn’t a problem to eliminate—it’s information to interpret.
- Avoidance asks for safety
- Blame asks for compassion
- Curiosity allows for change
When therapists attune to these patterns, sessions become less about fixing and more about listening strategically. We stop asking, “How do I get them unstuck?” and start asking, “What is this moment asking for?”
And often, the answer is simpler—and more human—than we expect.
Heavy Minds Counseling with Heather 