Some many times someone may stop me and say something like ‘I like your hair” or any other nice thing about me, and my brian immediately goes – “Yeah Right!” and a retort with a hand wave like I don’t believe a stranger that took their time to share with me.
Worse, leveling up is when someone I know is being sincere and tried to say something nice, my brian really goes into gymnastics to avoid believing a compliment.
I know I am not alone, many of my clients talk about their own negative inner voice, that will not let them have joy, peace, or calm. The peace coming from the knowledge that they are in fact worthy, and their efforts to live a life worth living is working!It makes complete sense that this pattern feels frustrating and automatic — because it is automatic. What you’re describing is a classic combination of:
1. A protective brain response
For many people, dismissing compliments is actually the brain’s way of avoiding vulnerability. A compliment requires us to pause and receive something positive — and if your early experiences or long-term habits taught you that this is unsafe, inaccurate, or “too good,” your brain learned to deflect instead.
2. A mismatch between identity and feedback
If internal narratives formed over years say:
- “I’m not good enough”
- “I don’t stand out”
- “People are just being polite”
- “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t say that”
…then any compliment feels like incorrect data. The brain resolves this discomfort by rejecting it immediately — “Yeah right.”
3. A well-worn neural pathway
This response becomes a reflex. You don’t think it — your brain just does it.
And you’re absolutely right: your clients experience the same thing because this is extremely human, especially in people who are self-aware, empathetic, or high-achieving.
Negative inner voices often develop as:
- Survival strategies (“If I’m hard on myself, I stay safe.”)
- Performance strategies (“Self-criticism keeps me improving.”)
- Attachment strategies (“If I don’t expect good things, they can’t disappoint me.”)
You know what’s powerful here?
The fact that you notice it. That’s the crack in the pattern — the place where transformation starts.
A few techniques you can use on yourself (and teach to clients):
1. “Name the voice”
Give the dismissive voice a name — something light or neutral (“The Protector,” “The Critic,” “Old Tape,” etc.).
When it fires off, say (internally or aloud):
“Thanks, Protector, but I’m choosing something different.”
That tiny separation gives you control.
2. Practice a neutral receiving statement
Not gratitude. Not agreement. Just receiving.
For example:
- “I hear that.”
- “Thank you for saying that.”
- “I appreciate you noticing.”
You don’t have to believe it — just don’t reject it.
3. Notice the body signal
Compliment rejection is often somatic: a tightening, a breath caught, a micro-flinch.
Try pausing for one slow exhale before responding.
This interrupts the autopilot.
4. Experiment with micro-exposure
Let one compliment a week land 5%. Not 100%. Not wholehearted acceptance.
Just a small softening:
“Maybe there’s a sliver of truth there.”
That micro-belief will grow over time.
5. Reframe the purpose of a compliment
Many people think compliments are about them.
But often, they’re about the giver.
Someone noticed something good and wanted to contribute a moment of connection or kindness.
When you wave it off, it’s like saying “Your perception is wrong.”
Receiving a compliment can be seen as an act of humility and generosity toward the other person.
And a final thought to really sit with:
Your reaction doesn’t mean you lack worthiness.
It means your brain has been trained, over years, to mistrust good things.
That’s not a flaw — it’s simply a pattern.
And patterns can change.
If you ever want to explore how this ties into your work as a therapist, or how to turn this into a workshop skill for clients (which would actually be incredibly valuable), I can help you develop that too.
See Below for some great tips via pyschology today –
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-be-a-burden/202404/how-to-accept-compliments
Heavy Minds Counseling with Heather 